Like most teens, I felt awkward, self-conscious, and insecure.  I didn’t have many girlfriends in high school and college.  I was just too full of self-doubt and feared rejection.  I didn’t hate myself.  I just didn’t understand or accept myself.  And with the exception of some close friends, I felt out of place.

I started writing at 13 and writing became my therapy.  I asked myself questions:  Why wasn’t I good enough?  Why wasn’t I smart enough?  What the hell is wrong with me?  

The questions were uncomfortable, but they were insistent. I kept writing, trying to answer them.  My eyes stung as I peeled off the layers of the onion.  

Eventually, the right question appeared.  

Who am I? 

This message took me in a direction of self-acceptance. I began to strip away the cultural constructs of my childhood. I didn’t want to simply be a product of my upbringing.

 I wanted to have a say in who I was.

Accepting My Past, Owning My Future

I dove into Buddhism, psychology, political ideologies, and religions to find bits and pieces of wisdom that made sense to me.  I also created some of my own axioms and tenets.  I found and created tools that helped me take ownership of myself.

I learned that while it was a healthy exercise to pretend I could make myself something altogether apart from my upbringings, it was impossible.  We cannot break from all the experiences that informed the person we are today.  And there’s no guarantee that changing the past would make our current lives better.  

We are who we are.  Everything else is pretend.  We have to learn to live with all our past experiences.  But we absolutely can take the wheel and steer ourselves in a new direction. 

The Key to Moving Forward

I realized my best path forward began with mindfulness, or being present.  I realized that every moment I spent thinking about the past or the future was a moment I wasn’t actually living. 

And while we can surely benefit from planning for the future and learning from the past, there had to be a balance.  Being present made me so much more aware of my actions, reactions, my words and my habits. 

If you want to take the wheel and drive, you need to know how the car starts, what the instrument panel is telling you, what all the switches and dials are for and how to maintain the car.  Taking myself in a new direction required knowing where I was to start with.  Being present is essential in that regard.

My 30-Minute Breakthrough

There was one pivotal moment when all this information came together and switched on a light for me. I was driving home when a guy in a pickup truck passed me and flipped me off.  I really had no idea why and it ticked me off.  About 30 minutes after arriving home, I found myself still stewing on the incident.  What did I do?  What the hell was wrong with that guy?  I wanted to hunt him down and confront him.  Not to fight, just to understand. 

Then it hit me. 

I had just lost 30 minutes of my life because I let this guy have control over me.  Thirty minutes of anxiety.  Thirty minutes of resentment.  Thirty minutes of suffering.  And for what? It was a pointless waste of time and energy. 

I realized that, first, I didn’t even know that guy, so why should I care?  I didn’t do anything wrong as far as I knew, and certainly not intentionally.  If he was upset, that was his problem, not mine.  Second, I learned I needed to do a better job of being present in the moment instead of stewing on past events.

How does this relate to my younger, insecure self?  My younger self based his self-worth and self-image in the hands of others.  This moment was when I learned self-agency.  It was when I first started taking ownership of my self-worth and self-image.

That driver did not cause me 30 minutes of stress and anger, I let that driver cause me 30 minutes of stress and anger.

That was big for me.  Being present and having self-agency.  

On that day it took me 30 minutes to let go.  These days I can snuff out “stressful” moments like these in the blink of an eye.  

In fact, most of those moments don’t even register as stress anymore.  Sure, I still care what people think, but generally speaking, other people’s opinions of me are none of my damn business!  

After years of laying the groundwork,  I took the wheel.

Taking Charge of My Life—and Helping Others Do the Same

Learning from small moments like these helps you live a better life. Whether it’s a jerk on the road, a gossiping coworker or long line at the checkout, nearly every day presents opportunities to take the wheel. 

These are lessons I wish I could have shared with my younger, self-conscious, insecure self. He spent years searching for acceptance in other people’s eyes. Now, as a father, I want to give my kids a shortcut—tools and ideas to help them navigate life’s challenges with confidence and agency.

Understandably, they aren’t too interested in my “lectures.” So, I wrote a book for them. When a friend read it and said, “You have to publish this,” I knew it could help more than just my kids.

It’s called It’s Human To Give A Sh!t (A Toolbook) and contains my 13 Keys To Contentment, among many other concepts regarding how to manage our mental wellness in this crazy modern world. It also has a list of everyday tools to help manage your relationships, personal development, and wellness.

If I could go back and talk to that teenage version of me—the kid who didn’t understand or accept himself—I’d tell him to take the wheel. Life isn’t perfect, but it’s ours to steer.

So take the wheel, steer toward self-agency, and find a perspective that works for your life.

Meet John Mazz