Every night was the same. I went to the bar to drink. This bar didn’t have glass shelves, comfortable chairs, and soft lighting like the bars city people go to. Us refugees sat out in the open, on plastic chairs, our sandals sinking into the dirt. Some days I’d go to the bar before the sun went down. I’d drink day and night without returning to my family tent. Alcohol was the only thing that numbed the suffering.

My Happy Life Turned Into Despair

My  name is Murindangabo Rugaragara, and I am from the Munyamurenge tribe.  Nine years ago, my whole world changed.  My happy life with my wife and eight children turned to tragedy when racial tensions broke out in our village.  Fighting turned to fierce war . My relative’s house went up in flames.  Then the angry mob burnt our home to the ground.  They stole our 45 cows and went on a rampage to kill.   Amidst chaos and flames I escaped with my family.  Sadly, my younger brother failed to escape. I found his body chopped in pieces. 

Devasted, we walked through mountains and thick bushes for weeks to the Bunagana border.  To survive, we drank water from the ground and ate avocado, and fresh cassava that we uprooted.  We also stopped over at Christian churches.  They kindly served us food and we even spent a night before continuing our journey the next day.

Surviving War, Succumbing to Addiction

We made our way to the Uganda Nakivale refugee settlement.  We finally had a place to live. Water, food, healthcare, beddings ,shelter, clothings.  We felt lucky.  But the bad memories were stamped on my mind.  Many horrors remained taunting me day and night.  I’d get drunk, forget the agony and loss of hope for a few hours.  Then I’d wake up to the recurring nightmare again.  My wife and children were badly affected by my habit.  Instead of showing up and sharing love, I made noise, waking everyone up every night.

Early one evening, on my usual journey to the bar, I passed a young man – his name was Phillips.  He greeted me with a warm smile and kind eyes.

“Uncle, where are you going?” He asked.

“I’m headed to the bar.”

Then Phillips said something to me, I’ll never forget.

“Uncle, you look to be suffering terribly.  Your suffering is originating from your thoughts.  Instead of going to the bar tonight, I invite you to join me on a healing journey.  You’ll find some comfort for your trauma.”

Finding Healing For My Trauma

I looked at Phillip's face, his eyes were sincere.  I thought of the bar and the alcohol.  What Phillips proposed sounded pure.  So I went with him.  That night changed my life and set me on a different path.   

I joined a place with other refugees dealing with trauma.  Phillips explained how the Healing Circle worked.  And every week we gathered together.

I have learned to forgive myself, love myself and understand that the right use of thought is the answer.   Now I understand that focusing my thoughts on drinking alcohol didn’t relieve my trauma. Drinking the liquid did not create a good feeling. I had a good feeling when I made the decision to go to the bar, but that feeling never lasted. 

After I understood where the feeling was coming from, I became stronger, able to stand up to the urges of going to the bar.   Separation of thought and feeling is not true. Only changing my thoughts brought higher wisdom that created a lasting, deep spiritual peace. Understanding this has liberated me to be free of addiction. 

Finding Peace and Purpose Beyond Addiction

I am now a counselor sharing with others in Nakivale about understanding and seeing beauty in their life.   Instead of going to the bar sitting around drinking alcohol,  I have become a role model for others in the settlement.  Just like Phillips invited me that early evening, now I invite others to join our Healing Circle too.  My family is happy too.  We love each other and feel free.

For you today, who are suffering terrible trauma and looking for some comfort and hope.  I wish that my story helps you.  Like many of the other stories here have helped me too.   If you are facing hardship, and rely on alcohol to relieve your pain, then remember my story.  It’s possible to overcome.

Meet Murindangabo Rugaragara